Top Gear Winter Olympics
by Sebastian of Ulm
Summary: Join me, Jamiebel and Davina  and some other people  as we hold the 2nd annual Top Gear Winter Olympics! Note: I do not own Top Gear - just the characters.
1. The 4x4 Biathlon and car vs man

**So, a new story! This one is based off of Top Gear's Winter Olympics Special - but this time, I cranked it up to 10. So enjoy my rendition of the Top Gear Winter Olympics!**

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><p>Top Gear 10 Nations Special: Winter Olympics in Norway by Jim Eligino<p>

_So, the Winter Olympics are being held in Italy, which when you look at the place, seems to be a bit too... warm. _

_That's why we're in Norway, a proper winter country. And we've got some proper winter sports lined up for you. So welcome then, to… [zoom out] the Top Gear Winter Olympics! _

_It's the Winter Olympics, speeded up a bit!_

To do this sort of event, me (Jim), Jamiebel and Davina decided to invite some Top Gears along for the ride. So we invited the Top Gears of Italy (Nina Valenzuela, Ali Rodriguez and Alyssa Castillo), France (Crystal Avila, Judit Limòn and Katia Jasso), Scotland (Taylor Perea, Kennedy Coleman and Chelsea Baker), Wales (Jaime Espinoza, Taylor Isel and Leann Lott), Ireland (Tanya Contreras, Alex Contreras, Edith Camacho), Australia (Bernan Angkahan, Angelica Ortega, Pam Bautista), New Zealand (Jeff Henderson, Jessica Osborn and Kayla Brunner), South Africa (Adam Morales, Reinard Bermudez and Vincent Bucayu) and Argentina (JT Osborn, Elizabeth Villanueva, Zak Ferguson).

On to the first event: the Captain Slows (Davina, Kayla, Alyssa, Katia, Chelsea, Pam, Edith, Leann, Zak and Vincent) will participate in the biathlon. The five will drive around a 3km course, shoot at 5 targets, and a 5-second penalty for each target missed. Then they race around another 3km circuit, come back to the shooting ranges, shoot at another 5 targets from the back of the cars, and then, it's a sprint to the finish. The winner (possibly Davina) will get gold and the last place finisher (possibly Chelsea or Kayla) will eat "golden snow". Davina chose the Range Rover Supercharged (510 hp), Alyssa opted for the BMW X5 M (550 hp), Katia calling quips on the Audi Q7 V12 TDI (490 hp), with Chelsea gaining the Jeep Grand Cherokee SRT8 (470 hp), Kayla driving the Porsche Cayenne Turbo S (550 hp), Pam with the Audi RS6 (562 hp), Edith driving the BMW X6M (550 hp), Leann in the Maserati Kubang (490 hp), Zak in the Volvo XC90 Polestar PCP (550 hp) and that just leaves Vincent with the Mercedes ML 63 AMG (510 hp).

When the ten set off, Katia jumped to an early lead with Davina, Pam and Vincent on her tail. And in Chelsea's enthusiasm to catch up (because she was last), she went off the course.

"I love the Winter Olympics, me!" Katia replied, confident. That's because she was now well ahead of the others, and now, it was Vincent in last place.

"I don't want to eat golden snow!" he exclaimed, as he blasted through Norway's forests. As Katia, Alyssa, Zak, Pam and Davina were duking it out for the lead, Vincent started to mount his comeback, leaving behind Chelsea (stuck once again off the course).

At the shooting ranges, Katia, Alyssa, Zak, Pam and Davina were already in a dead heat, grabbing .22 rifles from their boots. Alyssa, with the most experience with guns, shot down all five targets in an instant. Davina and Zak took their sweet time, and finished ahead of Katia and Pam, who both missed one. As soon as Alyssa, Zak and Davina set off, Kayla, Vincent, Edith, Leann and Chelsea finally arrived. At that moment, Katia served her 5-second penalty. As Kayla and co. also went for the trusty .22, Chelsea was in too much in a rush, and brought a Heckler and Koch MP5 Machine pistol. She set to fully automatic and...

"_**EAT **__**LEAD, **__**OLYMPIC **__**TARGET!**_" Chelsea exclaimed, before firing a whole magazine of ammo. Whereas Kayla, Leann, Edith and Vincent got all five, Chelsea missed the lot. "Oh, 25 seconds is a _week!_"

As Alyssa, Pam, Zak and Davina continued to fight for the lead, Chelsea left the box after serving her 25 seconds, having been behind almost the whole time. Bunny (Kayla), meanwhile, caught up to the English girl, Aussie girl, Argentine boy and the Italian girl, and the Kiwi passed them with ease. She arrived back at the rifle range, positioned her seats downward, and shot away. While this happened, Miss Reluctant (Alyssa), Pam, Zak and Princess Dee-jae (Davina) had already arrived, and threw Kayla's focus off, missing three targets. At this point, Davina decided to block the Kiwi from getting to the penalty box, but while this happened, Chelsea, Edith, Leann, Katia and Vincent had already closed the gap. While the rest of them down-winded their seats, Kayla served her 15 and left the pack. At this point, Chelsea was the first to finish, again, missing all five, but this time, she cut down a tree and threw everyone's focus off, making everyone else miss their five. But, of course, it was Little Miss Baker (Chelsea) who went hysterical with frustration.

"Stevie Wonder could've done better!" she groaned, rocking back and forth in her seat, waiting for the 25 seconds to pass by.

But, luck was _definitely_ not on Miss Brunner's side, because as she was leading, she got a bit too cocky and ended up in a ditch.

Once her competitors caught wind, they proceeded to close the gap. And soon, it was Katia back in the lead, with Davina trailing.

"Come on, I can catch her!" Davina exclaimed

"_Va-t__'__en, __Davina!_" ("Sod off, Davina!") Katia shouted, in French.

As they approached the finish, the Princess (Davina again) and _L__'__escargot_(The Snail – Katia) were neck and neck as they approached the finish. Amazingly, Katia managed to understeer the Q7, and so did Davina with her Range Rover. But then...

"Come on! Come on! Yes!" Katia screamed, as she overtook Davina.

"No, no, _**no!**_" Davina shouted.

"Yes! Yes! I've won a Top Gear event! _**Yes!**_"

And so, the French won the first event. The finishing order was: Katia, Davina, Alyssa, Pam, Zak, Leann, Edith, Kayla, Vincent and Chelsea. So you know what that means for the poor Scot.

"You are joking," Chelsea groaned.

"It's our rules," Davina clarified.

Disgusted, Chelsea ate a small piece of the golden snow and puckered her entire face with pain. She wished she hadn't used the machine pistol.

"Anyway, you've probably noticed that TV's Jamiebel Angkahan, Elizabeth Villanueva, Taylor Isel, Judit Limòn, Alex Contreras, Jessica Osborn, Angelica Ortega, Reinard Bermudez, Kennedy Coleman and Ali Rodriguez aren't with us today, and that's because they're currently appearing on commercial daytime television," Leann noted, to the reader.

"Yes, they are, they're on live, every afternoon filling Paul O'Grady's slot," Katia added. Uh-oh!

"I've just realized what you said then!" Davina and Pam laughed.

"We know!" Katia, Leann and Chelsea laughed also.

Indeed they are – but before they could come to Lillehammer, they had to experience the intense cold that happened there. I don't have time to explain it all, but here's the short word form: the Hamsters were tested against a Citroën C1 at MIRA's cold weather facility. It took a while, but in the end, the Hamsters won through. So there you are; if you want to drive to the North Pole, buy a "Hammond".


	2. Top Gear Speed and Figure Skating

So to our next challenge, made for me, Nina, Jeff, Bernan, JT, Jaime, Tanya, Adam, Crystal and Taylor P.: car speed skating. We would have 10 different cars: I'd have the Jaguar XKR-S, Nina got her beloved Ferrari 458 Italia, Bernan using the Lamborghini Gallardo LP560, Jeff got the Nissan GT-R, Adam in the reins of the Fiat 500 Abarth Essesse, Taylor P. has control of the Porsche 911 GT3, JT has the Mercedes SLS AMG, Tanya making do with the McLaren MP4-12C, Jaime in control of the Lexus LFA, and Crystal has the Land Rover Discovery. All of us will be racing against Eskil Ervik, the world record holder of the 1500-meter Speed Skating – but he's not the one we're concentrating on – it's the rest of us.

3 laps around the Vikingskipet Olympic Arena; and when the gun set off (thanks to Davina), the eleven of us all set off. Of course, Ervik had the best start. And extraordinarily, none of our cars had remotely _any_ grip (even Crystal's Land Rover was struggling)! When we crept into the second corner, all of the ten (myself included) spun out. Ervik took this opportunity to lap us all. He was doing 40 mph through the bends. We were barely touching...4. I noted that this may not come in as an Olympic sport. Eventually, I was able to rein in the control of the big Jag, and was able to do...24 mph through the bends, leaving the others behind. However...

"You could slow down a ruddy funeral at this rate!" Davina joked, running.

"I'm going as fast-!" I exclaimed, before Davina "shot" me. I laughed. "This is so irritating – having a man, keeping up with me!" And soon enough... "He's just gone past me _again!_"

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><p>This farce went on until we reached the finish. "He's just toying with me now..." He put his body into the wide-spread "X" position, in victory. "No!" Ervik did finish first, but at least I won out amongst the cars, followed by Crystal, then Nina, JT, Jeff, Tanya, Adam, Taylor P. and finally, Bernan.<p>

If anyone's to blame, it's all of us – the cars weren't made for such an idea, speed skating. But what if they were used for _figure_ skating? Could the idea be rectified? Well, there's only one way to find out – do it...tomorrow.

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><p><em><strong>The next day...<strong>_

The next day, we arrived at our perfect lake, and brought the cars we used in the last challenge. The only problem is, the lake is only very thin. So as Crystal built our track, I decided to get some practice in. I just couldn't be able to rein in the power of the Jag like last time, and began spinning out.

"You know in real Ice skating, how they're always elegant, how they're doing pirouettes and all that good stuff?" Crystal asked.

"Yeah," I responded.

"Do you know what _you__'__re _doing?"

"What?"

"You're going out onto an ice rink and flapping your arms out aimlessly, like that!"

I laughed.

However, it was time for our Top Gear Figure Skating competition to begin. And Crystal went first. She had a smooth start, and slowly drifted through the corners.

"This is the best way of getting the power of the big V8 down onto the ice: with 4WD, intelligent differentials, intelligent traction control - not just booting it, and shouting," she noted. However, the rest of us disagreed.

"You just don't need 4WD out here – you don't need it," I rebutted. And afterwards, she finally finished. "So, very safe. Very steady. And it took her 2:03." I walked over to Crystal. "_Pathetic._"

"Rubbish, man!"

"You were hardly moving."

"Rubbish! I was going at a good, consistent speed and in control, which is the point I'm trying to make."

"The other disappointment is that you didn't fall through the ice, 'cause do you know how thick it is?"

"4 feet?"

"No. 5 inches!"

"You're kidding!"

"No, that's what they said – 5 inches!"

Crystal definitely looked surprised. Next to go was Nina, and she ended up doing the same technique, and ended up with 2:29. The same could be said for Taylor P., Adam, JT, Bernan, Tanya and Jeff, who recorded a 2:10, a 2:40, a 2:04, a 2:20, a 2:15 and a 2:25, respectively. So now, how will my 2WD Jag get on? Amazingly, I had been more lax, because I wasn't in a closed space. But...

"Power – oh, no!" I exclaimed. As expected, I've spun out, but stood on the course. "That's a pirouette in ice dancing circles, that is."

"This is rubbish!" Adam and Crystal thought.

I was able to keep going fast and flamboyant, although with some problems along the way.

"It's good!" I noted. But then... "It's bad!" And I was _still_ on the bloody road, pirouetting! "Oh, yeah! I want one of these cars. No, wait, I want one of these _lakes_!" And as I finished, I ended up crashing into a pile of ice. "Crystal!"

"Very good!" she replied, walking over with the rest of the group.

"I won!"

"What do you mean, 'you won'?"

"I won!"

"No, come on – you went round there in 2:33, when you crashed!"

"Ice skating is not against the clock – it's about poise and beauty, and I much more flamboyant!"

However, when I said that, I tripped over the same ice block, nearly taking Crystal and Nina with me.

"But this _is _against the clock, and proves that 4WDs will slash 2WDs on ice," Crystal reminded. "That was another victory for the French."

"That is true," Nina agreed. "However, we don't have enough time to argue, because we have to show the last time that any Top Gear presenter arrived here in Lillehammer."

"Also, have you seen the front of your car?" JT asked me.

"It looks like Richard Hammond having his teeth whitened!" I jokingly responded. We all laughed.


	3. Rally Car vs Bobsleigh

**This is a flashback to when Top Gear England had its first rivals (from across the Channel, even!)**

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><p>Indeed, we have to flash back to a year before the Winter Olympics, during that "Top Gear England v. Top Gear France" era. This challenge was between Jamiebel and Davina, and Judit and Katia. You see, the English duo think that nothing can actually beat the bobsleigh, whereas the French duo think that a rally car (specifically, the Mitsubishi Lancer Evo 6 rally car) can do so.<p>

"Here's the point – our bobsleigh can get down from the start to finish in under a minute," Jamiebel informed. "You've had it."

"Yes, but you and Davina have only got gravity to get to the finish," Judit rebutted. "Whereas Katia and I have 300 hp, a huge turbocharger, 420 spikes on each tire _and_ gravity to take us to the finish."

"But our bobsleigh was custom-built for the ice, whereas yours was modified to it."

"You're wearing tights. I can't take a lesson of physics from a woman in tights. Dancing, yes. Physics, no."

So, as both teams warmed up, they studied each other's strategies. When the time came, they prepared themselves.

Since Judit was driving, Katia would time the car with a stopwatch, and Jay-bee and Dee-jae's (Jamiebel and Davina's) bob was timed by the officials. When they both started, both had good starts. The real challenge for Judit is that she has to do 2 km on ice in under one minute. That's some hard work there. Back to the bob – it may have started slow, but it just kept getting faster and faster. And the team never use the brakes. Ever. At 1000 meters, it could go either way, so both teams were just giving their all. Upon approaching the end, Judit gave it the full beans – like Henning Solberg, the Norwegian Rally champion. As they all finished, Jamiebel and Davina exited the bobsled to check their time: 59.68 seconds. They ran over to Judit and Katia.

"What have you done?" Katia asked.

"59.68," Jamiebel replied.

"Go on!" Davina added. The look on Katia and Judit's faces were less than pleased.

"1:02.24,"Judit revealed.

"Yes! We won!"

Indeed we won. So mark that as a victory for England. And fast-forward to now, where the scores are, France 3, England 3, everyone else 0.


	4. Car Ice Hockey Tournament

So finally, our Hamsters have arrived, and they're ready, because our next event is Car Ice Hockey. Now, we'll fast forward to the final, but we'll give you a little recap:

There were five prelims:

Italy (Fiat 500 Abarth) vs. South Africa (Suzuki Swift Sport) (South Africa won),

New Zealand (Peugeot 207 GTi) vs. France (Renault Twingo RS) (New Zealand won),

Australia (Vauxhall Corsa VXR) vs. Argentina (Chevrolet Sonic Z-Spec) (Argentina won)

Wales (SEAT Ibiza Cupra) vs. Ireland (VW Golf GTI) (Ireland won)

England (MINI Cooper S) vs. Scotland (Citroën DS3-R) (England won)

three semi-finals:

England vs. South Africa (England won – just)

Ireland vs. Argentina (Argentina won)

New Zealand vs. Argentina (New Zealand won)

one 3rd-place three-way match:

Ireland vs. Argentina vs. South Africa (South Africa won)

And now the final, which is England vs. New Zealand. So, let's begin – but first, the anthems.

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><p>New Zealand: "God Defend New Zealand"<p>

_E Ihowā Atua, _

_O ngā iwi mātou rā _

_Āta whakarangona; _

_Me aroha noa _

_Kia hua ko te pai; _

_Kia tau tō atawhai; _

_Manaakitia mai _

_Aotearoa._

_God of Nations at Thy feet, _

_In the bonds of love we meet, _

_Hear our voices, we entreat, _

_God defend our free land. _

_Guard Pacific's triple star _

_From the shafts of strife and war, _

_Make her praises heard afar, _

_God defend New Zealand. _

England: "God Save the Queen"

_God save our gracious Queen _

_Long live our noble Queen _

_God save the Queen! _

_Send her victorious _

_Happy and glorious _

_Long to reign over us _

_God save the Queen! _

* * *

><p>"I declare the "Top Gear Winter Olympics Suzuki Swift CarIce Hockey Cha" final... open!" our referee, Jeremy Clarkson, announced. Yep, this is it. These are the cars – 5 Peugeot 207 GTi's for the Kiwis, and 5 MINI Cooper S's for us, in which only two of each (from each team) are piloted by local rally drivers. Jeff and I were team captains in the #1 cars, the Hamsters in the #2 cars, the Captain Slows in the #3 cars, and Mr. Clarkson (had you been paying attention,) is the ref. And so, with the stand _literally _packed to the rafters, the anthems ("God Defend New Zealand" for the All-Blacks, "God Save the Queen" for the Three Lions) played, and the giant puck in place, we were ready for the off.

"OK! The black team captained by Jeff Henderson, that's New Zealand," Clarkson declared. "The red team captained by James Phillip Schofield Eligino, that's England, are we ready?" Jeremy sounded the air horn, and we were off. Both our teams were making attacks and defending very well, but within the first minute, the England #4 scored! "Goal! Goal!"

"Is it a 'goal' in ice hockey?" I wondered, then realized, "Yeah, it is!"

Clarkson sounded the horn, and game play resumed once again. The last time we did this with the Toyota Aygos in Car Football, there were a lot of crashes. This time, it's much safer. Anyway, back to the game.

Despite Jeff's previous match against France and his best football clichés...

"Oh, Jess's up like a salmon!" he said, surprised. "We're in on a goal run, it's the old one-two!"

...the All-Blacks were all over the place, as Jessica demonstrated when Jamiebel bumped her wide of the goal. Meanwhile, the Three Lions were on fire, and despite an obviously biased ref...

"Go on, Jeff!" Clarkson cheered, when Jeff went for goal. "Go on man, you've got it!" He missed, and Jay-bee bagged home goal 2... "Goal!" ...and Dee-jae, goal 3, in rapid succession.

"Who's All-Black _**now**_ then, boys?" Davina whooped.

Yes, the All-Blacks were being trounced, and when New Zealand #5 scored...

"_Yeah!_" Jessica exclaimed.

...guess who was otherwise engaged. Yes, all in all, the ref's grasp of the game was poor.

"Why has that happened?" Jeremy asked, on New Zealand #4 getting their tire stuck. "And why haven't you scored?"

"We _have _scored," Jessica argued.

"Well, I haven't seen it."

"We just scored there! Who's the referee?"

"I fell over a bit."

"You missed the goal?" Jamiebel asked.

"I missed the goal."

"So, if you didn't see it, it's not a goal?"

"Are you prepared to accept my word, as a Top Gear presenter, that New Zealand scored a superb goal?"

"Yes, I am!"

"Good, thank you!"

"Oh, come on!"

Sorry, Jay-bee – the All-Blacks got the goal; you saw it. But still, the Three Lions were still 2 goals ahead, and the ref didn't like that.

"Why'd you...?" Jay-bee complained.

"It's in the middle!" Jeremy clarified.

Back to the game. Thanks to puck placement, Jeff took immediate advantage and scored another goal for the All-Blacks. And with the horn broken, Jeremy decided to improvise... using his voice.

"He's great, isn't he? Give him a megaphone, he's happy!" Jessica noted, laughing.

However, moments later, Jeff crashed into his own man, leaving his goal wide open for me, thanks to some help from Davina.

"Yeah-ha-ha!" I excitedly laughed.

Anyway, after that, the match really did hot up...for most people, anyway. And it took us a while, but...

"Oh, no, he got Jim's [goal]!" Jeff groaned.

"Bloody hell, Jeff," I casually replied. Chalk up a brace for me, and another goal for the Three Lions, making the score...

"Is that 5-2? 5-3?" Jeremy confusedly announced. "What is it?" OK – to make sure it was 5-3, we let Kayla score a goal. Now, back to the game. As it entered its final stages, the violence reached proper ice-hockey levels. And soon enough... "Upside down!" Yes, one of our players rolled his car over. And once we rolled it back up...

"Do you have a vacuum cleaner?" he asked.

"A vacuum cleaner?" Jeremy repeated.

"Yes, to clean the seats."

"Does _Top __Gear_ have a vacuum cleaner? No!"

England #5 was out of action, but the Kiwis' joy was short-lived.

"There's a spare car – we're writing #5 on it, as we speak; back in business with 90 seconds of play left!" Jeremy declared.

"Whose side are you on?" Kayla asked.

"I am totally impartial on giving you every possible opportunity. You've just let me down."

"Rubbish. I've scored two brilliant goals, whilst you've been chatting up some Norwegian woman and standing in the bar!"

"That was my wife," noted one of the players.

"It's his wife," Davina agreed.

"Yes, it was your wife," Jeremy added.

The game resumed once again, this time, with the violence cranked up to 11. And during that time, Jamiebel accidentally (yet very accurately) took out Jeff.

"Jay-bee, in the sin bin!" Jeremy announced.

"I can't believe I got sin binned, for what?" Jamiebel groused.

"Go on ITV, you go in the sin bin. It's that simple."

With Jamiebel shackled, the All-Blacks bought the scores to 5-4, thanks to Kayla again.

"Oh, come on, ref!" she pleaded.

"Jay-bee, you may rejoin..." Clarkson declared. When she drove back in... " ...and that's the end of the game, everybody!"

No matter – England won the tournament, which meant for the Kiwis, there could only be one post-match drink...golden snow.

"So how was the snow?" Chelsea asked.

"It was golden," Jeff groused.

"Yes!" Jamiebel laughed, giving back her helmet to Davina. "And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you do that, and with that, I must get back to the world of live entertainment."

"I wouldn't if I were you, Jay-bee," Crystal warned. "'Cause of what we're doing next."

"Which is?"

"That," JT and I answered, pointing at the ski slopes.

"Oh, you _are_ joking," Jessica chuckled.

"I am staying!" Jamiebel exclaimed, taking back her helmet.


	5. Mini Ski Jump and finale

**Here's the finale! The moment you've been waiting on - who will be the winner of the Top Gear Winter Olympics 2011? Let's find out!**

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><p>Our final event is taking place on the ski jumps of Lillehammer, and it's against a skier. Let's let Adam explain.<p>

"Right, guys; we have got to get those," he noted, pointing at the 10 Leyland Mini Coopers, "to jump further than him, or jump the furthest out of all of us, in the 'Top Gear Winter Olympics Ski Slash Car Jumping Champio!'"

So, 10 slightly rusty, 25-year-old Leyland Minis. Now, this is going to be a hard task, as we have to take in many variables. So we had tea.

_**25 minutes later...**_

"So, come on, Vincent," Nina urged.

"Hang on, hang on, hang on," he replied, still busy.

"_Is gravity going to be enough to get the cars down the ramp and beat the skier?_" Chelsea impatiently simplified. At that point, Vincent finished, slamming his notebook down.

"No," he put simply.

"OK," Taylor P. noted. "We need more propulsion, 'cause we can't use the engine – that'll just spin the wheels."

"Also, we can't put a driver in it, 'cause he'll be killed," Crystal added. "So we need to work something out on steering – that'll be the Captain Slows' job, OK?"

"What if it sets off?" Judit also noted. "'Cause we've got to stop it at some point, otherwise, it'll just soar over there and take out the whole of Lillehammer. So, the Hamsters are going to work on stopping it."

"OK – so, guidance for the Captain Slows, braking for the Hamsters, and then, the Jezzas will figure out some way of..." I recapped.

"...power!" Reinard finished.

"Yes, power," Jeff laughed. "Let's get about our business, people."

"Earl Grey in Norway, who'd ever thought of it?" Jessica wondered, while taking her tea with her.

The first job was to mark where the skier landed, so we knew the distance to beat, and that was given to me and Crystal. Unfortunately, neither I, nor Crystal, was Sir Edmund Hillary. And I volunteered Crystal, who had only sprayed a little bit of the distance.

"There we go, I've done it," she declared.

"No, you're gonna have to get it across," I argued.

As Crystal tried to get the target fully across, she began to slip back. I laughed.

"Shut up!" she exclaimed, and she slipped back even further. I laughed even harder. As she slid to the bottom, I laughed hysterically, like a loon.

"How hard can it be?" I jokingly asked, still laughing. With a frustrated Crystal proving her own laws of gravity, I got on with the business of power. I called up the UK Rocketry Association, asking for rockets. And we couldn't get them now, because it'd gone dark. So all of us went to the pub.

_**Now – fast forward to 1:30 PM the next day…**_

While JT, Nina and I were attaching the rockets, Jay-bee and company worked on the snow barrier.

"I think, about here," Jamiebel suggested.

"Or there," Alex noted, watching Jamiebel slide down gradually. But she climbed back up.

"Right." When she began shoveling… "…bug!" …she slid back down, taking Jessica and Ali with her.

Back to me, JT and Nina – we finally figured out how fast the Minis have to get down the ski jump, which is 83 mph. That meant the Hamsters must think big. I rang up Judit and Taylor I.

"Judit Limòn and Taylor Isel, how's the braking going?" I asked them.

"Yeah, it's going well. It's going well..." they answered, both also sliding down the hill.

After some time, we got the measurements for the Captain Slows for the ice grooves, which should be 1300 mm in width, made new skis for the Mini, and all that good stuff. And when we were all done, all of us checked on Ali (because she was the only one to be bothered about it, and the rest had already given up) to see how her ice barrier was.

"I can guarantee that won't stop the Mini," JT explained. "Partly, because it's not substantial enough, and also partly because of those damn Pirates*, but mostly because you've built that in front of that slope, and the Mini... is coming down the other one!"

"Right," Ali casually replied. At this point, the rest of us fell over laughing. "OK."

"What a complete...!" Crystal laughed.

"I'll make some adjustments."

"Did nobody tell you?" I asked, also laughing.

"**NO!**" Ali shouted, laughing, as well. "Obviously! Or I'd have built it over _there_!" We just continued laughing. "That is fairly embarrassing. What I need... is a big machine."

So Ali did indeed get herself a big machine, and, with the help from some of the locals, constructed the Great Wall of Lillehammer. And while that happened, the rocket cars, primed with around 1 ½ tons of explosive thrust each, began their perilous journey to the top of the jump. And the ice grooves were ready for our approval. We lined up the rocket Minis, made our predictions and were set.

"This has never been done before," Elizabeth noted.

"No. We are, in fact, at the cutting edge of cocking about!" Edith added.

The time for cocking about, however, was over. The wall was finished, the target laid down (partially), and now we were in the hands of the rocket-men. Each of the rocket Minis had its own colors of vents. And each time, we cheered on the Minis. And then we heard the countdown.

"Armed. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…" the rocket-man counted. "Initiate!"

Each of our Minis were launched one at a time, blasting though the ramp. Amazingly, the only one who was able to beat the skier was the Springboks' Mini. Of course, that was before ours. When the English Mini (that's mine, Jamiebel and Davina's) launched, ours fell way short of the target, but it did launch out and fly!

"Wall's gonna be needed!" I warned. When it hit the barrier, we laughed with triumph.

"We were a bit short," Jamiebel noted.

"We didn't beat the Springboks, but how cool was _that?_"

So, what's the final results?

Joint last place: Top Gear Italy and Top Gear Australia, with 1 point.

Joint fifth place: Top Gear Scotland, Top Gear Ireland and Top Gear Wales, with 2 points.

Joint fourth place: Top Gear South Africa and Top Gear Argentina, with 9 points.

Third place: Top Gear New Zealand, with 11 points.

Second place: Top Gear France, with 15 points.

First place: Top Gear England, with 16 points.

So the winner of the Top Gear Winter Olympics is Top Gear England! And as the prize: our Stig is going to perform a snowmobile ski jump! It was obviously the landing that worried me the most, but it didn't really matter, as he landed safe and sound.

"And on that bombshell," JT replied, "it's time to end the show. Thanks very much for reading. Good night!"

**END.**

* * *

><p><strong>* damn Pirates: JT makes occasional cracks about the Morro Bay Pirates (a high school football team, and he used to go to Pioneer Valley High School).<strong>


End file.
